This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
