had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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