i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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