I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
