does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
