I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
