I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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