I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
