is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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