Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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