my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she smelled like a LAN party
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
