Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Ladies don't puke and tell
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
