I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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