my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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