The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
