And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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