the condom got lost in my hair
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
