I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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