I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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