i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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