Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
