I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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