Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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