Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
