So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
