My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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