Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
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You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
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I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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