I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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