whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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