Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
