god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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