didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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