i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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