Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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