Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
