I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
