Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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