batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
