i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
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We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
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When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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