happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
