bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
