Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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