where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
