so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
