I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
