We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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