i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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