I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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