so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
