it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
