I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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