Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
