Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
