You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
