you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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