My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
