Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
